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Belly of the Beast Reviewed By Scott Weinberg Posted 07/02/04 10:27:52

"...and speaking of beastly bellies...." (Total Crap)

It was only a matter of time before we got a Steven Seagal movie with the word "Belly" in the title, so I'll overlook that whole simplistic line of mockery, and just cut right to the chase:This one's just as bad as the gourd-like guru's last 5 flicks ([n]Out for a Kill, The Foreigner, Half Past Dead, Ticker & Exit Wounds, for those masochists still keeping score) and equally as simplistic: Seagal plays a former CIA agent (one that clearly likes donuts) who must rescue his daughter from a group of grimy foreign kidnappers. There's a whole lot of yak-yak stupidity involving a senator's equally stolen progeny and Stevey's monk sidekick who drops a life devoted to prayer so he can tag along with his bulbous buddy and kick all the ass - while the star continues his endless parade of slap-facey brawls with the Level Boss.There are several ways to create an effective low-budget action movie, but the hiring of Steven Seagal is absolutely not one of 'em. The guy's long since bypassed the realm of self-parody and is well on the way to becoming his very own infomercial. And it's not like I just savage the guy's movies for no reason; Seagal's never been one to demand any sort of quality from the movies he headlines, so why should I feel compelled to cut the guy some slack? Belly of the Beast is, just like any nine of Seagal's typical projects, about as amateurish and mindless as an action flick can be and still earn some sort of distribution. It's not just that Seagal makes awful movies; it's that he makes the exact same awful movies over and over. He's that annoying uncle who never stops borrowing money. And I, for one, would like to put an end to this cycle once and for all.Isn't it about time Seagal took over Leslie Neilsen's gig? At least that way his perpetual self-immolation would be for a good cause.
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